Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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