I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
