I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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