Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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