Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
