Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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