My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
