I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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