I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I pour the whiskey from now on
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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