i always forget guys have bellybuttons
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
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