i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
