im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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