got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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