OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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