My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
