I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
