she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
