the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Actions speak louder than pants.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
