She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
