You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
