all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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