I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I checked into jail on foursquare
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
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