Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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