Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I've blown a few things in my day
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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