Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
