Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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