ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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