watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
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