I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
