1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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