She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Drunk is a universal language darling
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