I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
