Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
