Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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