The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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