Cold hands, warm shart.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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