Cold hands, warm shart.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
