When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
