i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
