so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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