Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
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