I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
