call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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