There was a lot of him and a little penis
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
