I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Still dying that you shit outside
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
