I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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