I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
