Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
