How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
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