so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I want a musical about memes.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
