my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
it's like heaven, but drunker
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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