my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
