saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
