Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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