When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
