does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
