Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Randomize
