I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
