In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
