the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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