please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
